I don't remember how the question was actually worded but it was something along those lines. Just prior to that we had a previous question (is that redundant?) that asked if there was ever a time when someone in your life had ever died abruptly and how did that make you feel? This previous week has been quite interesting with this new role I'm in with the church and with being unemployed that I've definitely had more discussion and quite time with God. So when those 2 questions came up I was slow to answer and be involved... because maybe I was vulnerable.. or maybe I was afraid that once I opened my mouth and allowed words to start flowing that I would talk way, way too much.
Hmm.. abrupt deaths.. yeah i can name a few. Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 7:
Wisdom for Life
1 A good reputation is more valuable than costly perfume.
And the day you die is better than the day you are born.
2 Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties.
After all, everyone dies—
so the living should take this to heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
for sadness has a refining influence on us.
4 A wise person thinks a lot about death,
while a fool thinks only about having a good time.
One great thing about growing close to God (meaning spending time reading His Word) is that when situations come up where you need wisdom or guidance or reassurance verses like this will come to your mind. Like I couldn't remember how the whole thing went but when I got home I looked it up.. and yeah it helped. There is a lot of value in those 4 verses. Death really does bring a perspective and value to life that spending your time partying and having fun just does not do.
So I didn't really chime in on the question about death because I didn't know which funeral (my dad's, my high school girlfriend's, my best friend's mom's, my other best friend's dad's, oh and my neighbor's dad...) I wanted to discuss but when the question of when the light bulb turned on I knew exactly what I wanted to talk about.
My relationship with God before I was a Christian is thoroughly described by the words of Job in chapter 17:
17What is man that You magnify him,
And that You are concerned about him,
18That You examine him every morning
And try him every moment?
19"Will You never turn Your gaze away from me,
Nor let me alone until I swallow my spittle?
20"Have I sinned? What have I done to You,
O watcher of men?
Why have You set me as Your target,
So that I am a burden to myself?
21"Why then do You not pardon my transgression
And take away my iniquity?
I just wanted to be a good person. I was raised to always do my best. It didn't seem like God had ever done me any favors so I really just wanted to be left alone. And for the most part I was a good person. I wasn't a popular, particularly cool, or confident person but I didn't have any enemies and didn't really give cause for many to be annoyed by me. I just did the best I could with my circumstances and talents. But like I said there was very little I saw need to be buddy buddy with God. And then there was the frustration I had with God. What had I done to God to have been dealed the cards he dealt me?
So towards the end of my freshman year of college (2001) a lot of changes were about to happen in my family. My mom was getting married and everyone was going to move into his house that summer. I was informed that it was time to for me to be on my own. I was working part-time and going to college full-time and getting good grades and I was a starter on my college soccer team. I had a car that was constantly broken. I wasn't prepared to be on my own and I had no savings.. I kinda thought I would be able to live at home till I finished college, etc.. but change of plans. I went in to talk to the Director of Athletics at my community college about scholarships and kind of just advice and stuff. He told me that an old friend of his was the AD at a small private college in middle of nowhere Missouri and they need soccer players with talent and have scholarships available. So called up my uncle who lives in Kansas City, asked him what he thought, and made my decision that evening. And just like that I moved to Missouri. I spent the summer with him and attended that college for 2 semesters.
Summer with my uncle was fun... the college... not so much. But I did learn a lot about myself and about being independent. It gave me the time to grow up a little bit and be able to have the tools to be on my own. Coming home to a home that wasn't all that inviting kinda helped too.
I went down to the Christian school and met with the jr/sr high athletic director and it so turned out that they were in need of a jr. high girls volleyball coach. After he offered me the job he told me to go meet with the principal of the school, so as I walked down the hall I passed by a man who immediately turned around and said, "Hey, aren't you Jason Hicks?" I responded curiously, 'yes.." Turns out he coached me in soccer when I was 12 or 13 (the same age I was currently coaching, by the way). He remembered my family, my good attitude, and was curious what I was doing there. When I told him about the volleyball coaching gig he asked me what I knew about coaching PE. I said something like, "jumping jacks, dodgeball, running the mile?" And he said, "Well if you want the job, you'd start next week."
So not only did I become a full time instructor but I also started attending church every Sunday and teaching Sunday school. And I was definitely faking the Christian thing.
Turned out his older sister was on the volleyball team I was coaching. At the end of the season party I got the chance to meet their parents. We started talking and when she realized I was the new coach who her son couldn't stop talking about I remember her grabbing my hand and thanking me for making the difference I've made in Jacob's life. She then told me that he was a foster child, taken from a drugs and abuse situation by the CPS. They have had him for about a year and his behavior has been a problem since they took him in and that whatever I've been doing has made a difference.
Sometimes I think he would get in trouble just to hang out with me, but I didn't really care.. I was so thankful to be making a difference in someone's life like that. Then one day he wasn't there to give me my morning hug. After a week of no hugs I finally asked his teacher what was up. CPS had contacted his biological grandparents and turns out they are Christian, wonderful, good people and will be taking custody of him.
And then it was okay for me to start crying. I ended up having to get up and go walk off those tears. It was a deep emotional cry... something I couldn't remember doing for a long, long time. I returned to the bench after carpool was over to sit down. It was then that I realized that I had just been given the opportunity to heal a wound that I had been ignoring for most of my life. When I was Jacob's age I lost my father to a drunk driver. I went to his funeral and everywhere I looked people were crying, but I told myself I would not. I decided that I needed to be strong and not shed a tear. Jacob grew up faster than he should have and knew that he wasn't like the other kids in his class. That little boy who stood strong who I just watched walk away to take on the next chapter in his life was me.
So much of what he had been feeling I felt at that age. If it wasn't for what I had been through I would not have been able to connect with him like I did. I began to think back to our talks and walks that we shared. I knew what he needed to hear and feel from me because I spent most of my life wanting those things from someone. To have someone to look up to and loved me and made me feel so special. A man who believed in me and thought I was awesome. A man who I can look up to and think he is sooo cool and he loves me! I knew exactly what Jacob needed because I've spent my whole life.. to this day still.. needing that.. searching for that.
This couldn't just be a random chain of events that brought me to that moment... the mutual friend.. the job opening.. the coach from my past... the boy the same age as me with the same pain... it had to be planned. I knew without a doubt that God had brought me to that school to meet Jacob and be introduced to God's love. To be healed and receive peace. To be given a purpose. To finally understand that everything that I had experienced was training for a higher calling. No book or college class could have given me the compassion and understanding needed to minister to Jacob and kids like him. If I can help just one child it would have been all worth it!
I walked up to the principals office and I must have just looked like a mess. I confessed to him that I had been faking it and was never a Christian. He looked at me and smiled. He told me that he knew and then asked me if I was ready to become one. I said yes. We prayed together and a few months later he baptized me.
God wants to heal your wounds and make you whole. He does not care what you've done or where you have been. You are His creation and his child. He loves you for who are. He has a purpose and plan for your life that is so much greater than whatever path you are trying to hike on your own.
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