Kids

I've had multiple alter-egos.  Some I'm proud of.. others.. not so much.

I've been, i don't know... slacking or avoiding or hiding or... i guess just making excuses for not truly living up to God's plan for my life.  James says in chapter 4, verse 17 that: "if anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them."  And I've been stuck in that sin for awhile now.  I've been doing the minimum of my God-given talent for far too long.  I've been teaching sunday mornings at church for the past couple months.  I prepare 5 or so hours a week for my lesson.  With Beki's help we've created a pretty cool little environment with crafts, games, videos, power point, prayer and worship that really wasn't there before we started serving.  But it could be better- I could be better.  I have the potential and passion for it, but I am so easily distracted.

It was easier at Thousand Pines.  There I was known as "Ruddy."
Bills?  What bills?  Appointments?  Cell phones?  Internet?  Xbox?
Never even thought about those things.  3 wild months of hardcore kids and I loved it.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about those summers.  When that bus full of kids came down that road and I got my assigned campers, they became my whole world.  We ate together, told stories together, wrestled in the pool together, worshipped and prayed together.  I was their leader... but more often it felt like they were the ones leading me.  They lead me with their questions to read the Bible more.  They lead me to pray more because I was weak and unable to lean on my own understanding.  They showed me what priorities are truly most important, and what things can just wait till another time.  They pushed me to be a better person and have a more intimate relationship with God than any book or mentor ever could have.  When they looked to me.. I looked to God.. and he looked at me and smiled.. and I looked to them and smiled.  And then on Friday afternoon I cried as the bus drove off that mountain.  I cried because I loved them for touching my life and drawing me closer to God.  I wanted to keep that fellowship forever.  Maybe it was just exhaustion.  To this day I haven't had a more amazing night of sleep than i did on those Friday nights in the Red Tailed Hawk cabin.

During the rest of the year I was "Coach J."  The best part of being Coach J was walking through the gate of the campus and getting bombarded with hugs and affection.  I wasn't a regular teacher at Calvary.  I didn't really have a classroom or any set rules.  There was expectations.  There was trust and respect.  We had standards and we had defined roles.  They recognize insincerity.  We never had to sit down and talk about any of these grown up concepts because children are just little people- they understand more than you know.  I always expected them to do their very best and they would without hesitation because they knew they would always get the same from me.  A team is a reflection of their coach and a coach is a reflection of his team.  It is the same way with God.  I never have to wonder if God has my best interests in mind.  I never have to wonder if God sincerely cares for me.  I should never have fear to run up to Him and wrap my arms around Him.  Yesterday I may have made some dumb decisons, but that was yesterday.  Today I know he has already forgiven me and when He sees me running with my arms out wide he has already forgotten all about it because He just can't wait for my love.

This week I've been so distracted by this world.  It is not just this week, but you know what I mean.  But how I see the world and how I see myself isn't the way that God sees it.  I need to get back to what I do best and what God created me for.  I used to think that God's plan for me was to use me to bring kids to know Him... but He is fully capable of doing that without me.  He created me to be his child... I'm just one of His kids.  He desires to have me near Him at all times.  He wants to work with me, train with me, cry with me, laugh with me.  He wants me to grow.
I'm significant.  I have purpose.  Somewhere I forgot that.  All those kids kept me accountable.  They kept me on my toes.  They kept me on the right path and they showed me that life looks better in crayon.  Life will never... and I will never be perfect.

It is time to start drawing new pictures that my Father can add to his scrapbook and stick to his refrigerator.